Back to Thoughtful Living Book Extras
Dating and Mate Selection
A. Synopsis of Dating
The dating game is exactly that – a game. On the most part the game is unavoidable because of the attitudes of many men and women that are not honorable or even just uncertainty from there being many choices especially for some. The choices are confounded by the many appealing yet unattainable persons viewed in the media giving an unrealistic notion of what’s available. Having honorable intentions is definitely good but this does not guarantee good results since a majority plays with a different set of rules. Most everyone plays games and don’t realize it or don’t want to admit it. The timing of when to call someone is a game and if not played correctly, it will lead to disappointments. Both men and women have to go along with this unspoken rule or else face loneliness, at least much of the time. If a man calls too soon, the woman could see him as being “needy” and if he calls too late, he could be viewed as not having an interest in her. The woman too has to be careful, since if she is aggressive it can be a turn-off for the man, all depending on how she acts.
Game playing in the current dating scheme is necessary. Failing to go along with games will render loneliness. The natural game of women playing hard-to-get adds to the mystery that can actually inspire a man to succeed in his quest. If the woman is too easy, then it doesn’t excite the man as much and becomes dull. There are many facets to this though since the woman’s attractiveness plays a role in the coy game, allowing those viewed as most attractive to play the game hard but if her game appears too difficult relative to her attraction, for most men, it’s a sign to give up. So, a little chase is good but too much and it becomes an intolerable game that can frustrate men. This frustration could manifest in anger that can spread onto others somehow in the man’s life and so if a woman really has no intention of ever being with a man, the sooner and most palatable way she can do it would make for curbing possible future abusive behavior of some men. With women today now exhibiting criminal behavior on par with men, whenever possible, both men and women need to be respectful as much as possible in regards to dating and in all other encounters to play a role in lessening animosity among genders. Psychotic retaliation of rape is similar to school shooting in that they are heavily based in the inability to maturely deal with not being accepted. We have to strive to be respectful so no one feels so slighted to want to carry out such ill-will and obviously no one wants to be the victim of such so we need to work together to be pleasant to one another. In some situations when the man is particularly fixated on a woman, he may ascribe to the view that “the chase is better than the catch’. For some men, this is simply a normal routine, toying with the feelings of women and the man gets his ego boost from seeing how the women are affected. Disregarding the habitual woman chaser, a man who has an authentic desire for a woman and gets caught up in the chase from her playing hard to get may end up as an anticlimax. The let-down may result in a feeling of disappointment for he made such a big accomplishment with heightened emotions that a relationship is no longer worth pursuing. A woman should then be careful of how much difficulty she wants a man to endure because once she submits to him, he may no longer want her.
There is also the well-known game that I'll name as the “Indirect Rule”. This goes hand-in-hand with lying as a man may lie according to an unspoken rule that is so often greeted by women. I can understand why women would want to suppress this game-playing technique as it shows how women can be won over provided the man is not honest nor direct. The usual way in this game happens is like this: a man says to a woman “let's go out, just as friends”, or “come over to my place, we're having a party here”. In both instances the man really might mean more than the words themselves but as long as it doesn't appear as though the man is asking directly for sex, the woman may oblige knowing full well that the man may have something else in mind. A woman, in keeping with a reputation she may want to uphold, she may heavily object to any honest forward move but yield to one that is indirect. If a woman is approached by a man with him saying “you are really beautiful...I greatly desire making love to you”, it would sound like an insult in the backward interpretation that is seen but the real insult in terms of honesty is when the truth is rejected and yet the lie actually gets rewarded. An extension of this indirect game is when a woman is under the influence of a drug (often alcohol), thereby giving her an alibi of not actually wanting to go along with a man's desires that may be spoken of either directly or indirectly. A logically-minded man could be lost and so he may need to be under the influence of an intoxicating substance or keep reminding himself that logic is not the truth with [some] women. Most men, however, easily follow along with the game, feeding into a society of deceit. In fairness to women, both genders operate in illogical fashion and one quick example of this is when a person enters an airport and announces that he/she isn't carrying a bomb – most people are so emotional charged when hearing something like and will react in a way that opposes the persons' words.
Sometimes the game playing is more passive yet can still cause some discomfort such as that involving phone number collecting. Both men and women are guilty of this game. Dating involves power, not so much as to control another person, but the power to hold the attention of, and be desired by one of the opposing gender. As such, collecting phone numbers with no intention of future communication is an act of power and can lift the ego. As stated previously, both men and women do this but women can sustain this behavior without sex better than men and may actually go beyond this to tease men as a lifestyle.
If you are honorable, you have to be ready for constant disappointments. For this reason it’d be safer to not be so active but also at the same time not totally give up hope and be on the fringe of the dating scene, being open for the uncommon. Some say go to church but I’d never recommend that route since people in church these days hardly implies being better than the average person found in other venues. Honorable men are really at a big disadvantage, being overlooked by most women and until which time girls are educated at a young age to judge men better, it’s expected that this will continue indefinitely. Honorable women are able to partake in dating greater than their equal male counterparts since it is not the women who have to prove suitability to a man for his acceptance – as long as a man finds her suitable she has at least a chance to proceed further.
It should be expected that some games will be played and while current cultural trends in the dating game warrant, to be successful, discounting rarities, games need to be played. It is the decision of the practitioner if game playing is avoided but that drastically narrows the chances of finding a mate. It is my belief that this should be adhered by as many as possible, of course as long as the person is strong enough to handle it. Having a strong conviction in this matter is admirable though it can cause being alone for greater periods of time.
Jealousy games are ordinarily performed while in a relationship but when it’s done in trying to attract a mate and not for spite, it’s merely an encouragement to provoke another to conquer shyness and approach. This is still a roundabout way, for if the person playing the jealousy game would instead get passed his/her unwilling stance of not being the first to make a move then the process would be more direct and offer a savings in time and emotion.
The onus is generally on men to make the first move to show interest to a woman and this puts a burden on her to make an appropriate judgment. Although men do make an initial judgment of a woman, normally based heavily on appearance, his decision is made by virtue of his showing of interest. A woman’s screening criteria is up to her choosing, however, from seeing how women get fooled by men and furthermore purposely choosing a man who, at least from a third-party, would appear as unsuitable on one or more major grounds. So often women will choose poorly since women do fall for men who lie and it really annoys those men who choose honesty. It may be worth noting that an honest man may actually be assumed as a liar since his story lines may sound too strange from her normal encounters and for this. Discerning the truth from lies is not so easy but if the one who is suspected of lying is able to methodically go into details about everything the other person wants to know, then that would be a favorable indication. Those who are reluctant to provide a highly detailed account to help one determine the truth should be viewed suspiciously. Of course constant line of questioning won’t be fruitful for a relationship so if this occurs endlessly, then either the questioner should realize the suspicions are too great to enable trust or the one who’s interrogated may find the ordeal as too unbearable to continue in a relationship. In continuation, despite what a woman normally does in trying to protect herself from bad men, a woman’s judgment is usually quite flawed. Women may take offense to what I am saying but the vast number of women have gone along with believing men who lied to them and this should not be construed only that most men are bad but also that women, despite their attempts to choose well, exercise poor judgment. The relatively few particularly honest men are greatly annoyed by how women judge men as it’s so clear that women fall for cleverly spoken words, worldly objects involving money such as expensive cars and drugs, a man of fame such as a movie star, or better yet, a musician. A woman actually carries on her shoulder much of what determines the behavior of society based on which men get picked. The more wholesome the choice compels the less wholesome to conform to a better standard to be accepted by women. As it stands now, women are seen to choose the unwholesome, giving less of an opportunity for the better men, and this makes for a society where poor behavior is rewarded. As far as I see, however, there may still be 5-20% of men, many of whom are not realized by women as good catches so perhaps women could help themselves and society by flirting with a different selection than what immediately inspires her.
The mate selection is really done by women. Women often cite that they had no role in the choosing in that it was the man who chose her. Well, that obviously isn’t the case unless it’s in a culture whereby the women have no voice and are forced to go along with prearranged marriages which would be terribly repressive. As mentioned just above, men make the first choice of letting a woman know of his interest. He may do this to any number of women and wait for the one who reciprocates his interest. The man, having already showed interest then has to go through the woman’s scrutiny. As noted above, the lying component has been addressed but in this passage, the particular characteristics of a man will be better delineated. From empirical observation and from what is popularly spoken of women, young women so often choose on characteristics that have nothing to do with a relationship. With my few years of tutoring older women returning to college after a broken marriage, I listened to their sordid stories and asked them intently on what they saw in the men whom they later would consider as “losers”. A woman’s maturity helps her to choose men better but not so much as to dramatically avoid problems since their learned notions of what constitutes a worthy man with many years of being brainwashed by the media, they still fall for men that they later regret having done so. By around age 40 or after a few painful relationships, the a woman’s skill holding strong to worthy convictions but this can work against them in a couple of ways. Sometimes men view a woman who really understands what’s important in a man as too tough and the men who have long held good convictions may have wished her realizations came at a younger age and that her good years were spent likely with a bad guy.
In part of the selection process, many women chase after men who already having a girlfriend. This is most disconcerting as it can be quite destructive, not to mention it does single, available men. The men must be strong in these situations since women know fully well how to persuade men. In a lot of instances, this is only a game to strip a man away from another woman but in others it may simply be an unethical though possibly culturally accepted way of dating. So often men are blamed for these things, and rightfully so, however, as I said before, unless it’s rape, it’s the woman who makes any sex possible and so even though men are still deserving of some blame, lots of the blame really rests on women, knowing men are weak to a woman's advances. I've often said that no third party should have an influence on a relationship – the relationship stands on its own merit and dissolves on its own merit. No one should leave a relationship because of something that looks better but only leave when it no longer has a chance of improving from a bad state.
A short list of factors that many women in their most fruitful years judge a man and that are not necessary attributes for a relationship:
2)Popularity (normally related to wealth)
3)Occupation (normally related to wealth)
3a) Her teacher!! (this is detestable and the men should be fired and same for women teachers when they transgress beyond their position of trust/power.
3b) Her boss!! (see 3a)
7)How well he tips
8)How nice he smells
9)How many drinks he buys her
10)The car he drives
11)The clothes he wears (including military uniforms)
12)Whether he plays on a school sports team, especially football
13)His musical ability, especially the guitar
14)How well he dances
15)The drugs he can provide
In some countries, particularly where there is greater poverty, money means everything to a good deal of women. Visit a poor country and you may see foreign men or richer men of the same country, no matter how old, fat, or ugly, along with beautiful young women, sometimes even 2 or 3 at a time. In developed countries money is viewed by woman as quite important as well, but usually not so much relative to their own earning potential as in underdeveloped countries. Japan is a major exception as the standard of living is high yet it was purported more than 10 years ago that about 25% of girls from ages 12 to 18 perform sex for money – not out of being poor but in wanting designer clothes! With the internet fostering more sex for money, this old figure may have since climbed to 30% or even 35%. No matter what the poverty situation is, prostitution is never a good answer but rather a salacious quick short-term way to make money. The maturity of the human race is appalling since there are still so many people not caring how they earn money, and being it’s quite difficult to prevent this desire for wanting fast money with little effort it shows that we’re a long ways away from virtuous world.
Money is definitely needed for survival. However, money should not be such an important factor as it is. It is normal for women to look for men with financial stability but when it comes at total disregard of love or attraction or even suitability of age that could have a big impact on the raising of children, the decision would be corrupt. Financial stability can be looked at in several ways. For a young man, financial stability isn’t yet formed but it can be inferred by his potential based on his desire and ability. A young woman could simply chase the older men who’ve already amassed wealth but instead take a good look at younger men to discern their maturity with handling money and strive to achieve, and that achievement does not have to be grand! For an older man it’s his gross income is what’s normally focused on but this is absent of a couple of important factors. The gross income does not show obligations such as child support or alimony. Furthermore, any person’s salary does not show how well a person uses money. It is very possible that a person earning just $20,000 per year saves more money than a person earning $60,000. The higher wage earner may frequent bars, have expensive hobbies, or go to restaurants as a result of not wanting to learn how to prepare meals on his own. A woman, if she is to truly have success in choosing a mate that she look deeper than the surface of many factors of men, including the very important factor of money.
There are unquestionably a great number of women that in varying degrees, expect money to come to them by virtue of them being a woman. Apparently these women view their bodies as so precious that a man will give anything to them, and sadly, there are plenty of men who do just that thus perpetuating this obsession of women expecting so much from men to be in her company. Men here are largely at fault in valuing women so highly in monetary terms. Some men just value women, particularly beautiful women too highly without making a monetary assessment. An assessment could go like this: 1. woman is beautiful, 2. lucky to have sex 5% of the time with her, 3. much time, attention, and as much as 50% of earnings may go to her, 4. She better have more than looks going for her because based on appearance alone, it's not a good trade-off. Women would not be having such expectations if it wasn’t for the numerous men who are not secure with their personality to then use money as the bait and continued feeding to retain a woman. The men who buy women actually are help creating women with spoiled attitudes and it generates jealousy among other women and for the men unable or unwilling to use money as some men do can be left out of the game. Thus, for the good of society, men using money in ways to hook a woman beyond should really see the ramifications of their actions, on both the attitude of the woman and for all the others that it affects indirectly. The illusion some women think of money as the primary reason to be with a man are overlooking love and being true to herself and her partner. It’s been said millions of times that money doesn’t happiness, yet it does enable doing more things yet when the action stops there must be truth in the relationship to enable deep happiness. Money definitely doesn’t buy love either but it often is used for unspoken leases of women that is not unlike prostitution. There are now dating agencies that cater to women wanting men who make over $100K per year (around 10PLE or 10 times the poverty level earnings). The wealth effect of this country contributes much of the problems between men and women. It’s no wonder that money is the #1 reason for divorces because of differing attitudes about money and some of these divorces would be from men failing to be financially responsible, so I wouldn’t put the blame squarely on women. If money were used for mostly the necessities in life then the impact it would have on relationships would be minimal and so again, people need to readjust their attitudes on how money is used in relationships to prevent problems. The many gold-digging women would hate this refreshing attitude since it’d mean they’d have to actually learn to behave better and be able to contribute to a relationship more than just their flesh.
Sex and money go hand in hand and they are ultimately the two major sociological components in life for which just about everything else is derived from. Everyone, and most sadly for the man who isn’t wealthy or refuses lease a woman, has an idea of the monetary expectations of a beautiful woman. Unfortunately, a good-looking man cannot garnish an equally good-looking woman in as much as a man with money can and this is truly sad. I am not going to say that appearance should be the primary factors but they are much more relevant to a relationship than a business-like arrangement that involves money to a great degree. It’s not just direct money either as drugs carries a high degree of worldliness from legality issues and cost of the drugs and so some of the worst behaved men are seen with beautiful women. But where do the men with exceptional characters fit into this? There’s basically not fitting in for good men and by women choosing on the corrupt basis as so many of them so, they are continually awarding bad behavior of men to then maintain a negative impact on society.
In mate selection, a man’s money a major factor of many women in determination of pursuing a relationship. Luckily this isn’t the case with all women but certain cultures exhibit it when there is an abundance of wealth in society, even if it’s not equally distributed.
Popularity of a man can really have an amazing effect on a woman, especially when she’s young. It’s as if women are wired in the brain to desire a man who’s popular no matter what his personality is at all – even just to have quick sex such a man is thought of as a wonderful experience eve though there is no real substance to it. It is seen with musicians, politicians, and professional sports players throughout the world. If women really want to do their gender a big favor they’d work together to avoid throwing themselves at a man that has no real good basis. Popularity should be an ancillary point and one that doesn’t automatically imply it’s favorable but more as a matter-of-fact.
In keeping with the theme of money being used excessively in procuring a relationship, women often judge responsibility and wealth of a man by his occupation. It should be an innocuous question when learning about each other that the man’s occupation is disclosed. However, and though women will not like to admit this, the point of the question may be to determine his wealth, and even if not, having the answer from simply inquiring can then trigger a woman’s mind to relate with his occupation. The occupation does not tell the complete story since there may even be wealthy unemployed men who don’t show off their wealth. The occupation does show an interest, though sometimes a man may have a different interest and is presently stuck in a bad place in life or that the current job is purposely intended to only be temporary. A woman should thus be open to more than just the first few words upon her inquiry. The occupation of a man has should be a fair characteristic for which to choose a man but still shouldn’t be a major reason. Considering all the time together with a mate that involves relaxing, loving, respect, trust, doing chores, and so on, the man’s occupation doesn’t play a role, unless there is an interference such as if the work shift hours or other extra time responsibilities of the job that negatively impacts the relationship.
This money topic will be encountered again later on but before this topic is temporarily concluded, one important point of a man showing “generosity” with money to win over a woman is this: If a man has such abundance of wealth to buy bouquets of flowers, the most prized jewelry, and fancy vacations, he has money to do the same for other women as well. There is a natural tendency that comes with a man of wealth and that is confidence that many other women will grovel to get a shred of his wealth. So with wealth comes a good chance of infidelity and if the woman holds truth dear to her, she should be even more careful before considering a man of much wealth. Cheating obviously doesn’t depend on wealth but it certainly makes it ever so easy for a man and so if he’s determined to not be strong in tempering his desires, the obvious choice should be made. Even if the man is not wealthy but uses all his money to blow on a woman, it shows irresponsibility in not realizing the importance to save. So many women do not care much about a man’s responsibility as long as she is the one receiving the items of money. However, he may also continue in his irresponsible behavior by using whatever money he has to get other women as well. The ‘quality’ of the women he gets may differ from what a richer man could obtain but the end result of infidelity is the same. Again, this shows how a woman can be disillusioned about money but in a different way. In these examples a woman could be enamored by the attention a man’s money can offer but without also considering how she is wooed by his money can also woo another woman there is a big chance of relationship problems. The richer the man, the more virtuous he’d have to be to avoid temptation of misusing his money – this is where a man putting a lid on his wealth can actually assist him in being good and women need to understand this well. Women will often banter the term of “cheapness” so loosely as to shun any man who is wise with money or who doesn’t open his wallet up and spend all he has. A man who chooses to make money a minor factor in dating is often scoffed at as cheap, and most women won’t even give him a chance to try to understand if he’s following an idealistic objective that may actually work to her advantage, though not immediate material advantage. A man who chooses to not use money for things unnecessary can be evident in him being more trustworthy, for if he is less apt to spend on frivolities, how could he justify using it as it relates to another woman? Thus a man with good convictions with the use of money can be evident in trustworthiness and this should be much higher on the list of traits of a worthy man than a man who is showy with his money.
In the United States, height seems to be a factor that competes with money. Excessive concentration on a man’s height may be the result of brainwashing through stories taught in school, media, and fueled by other women, particularly those who retain outdated notions. There is always a reasonable allowance for height such as a man being slightly shorter to modestly taller than the woman is. Some women make height of great importance and may choose men who are modestly taller to significantly taller than herself. A woman may feel awkward with a short man or even one only slightly taller than her and she may call it just a ‘preference’ though could also be based on a psychological problem, or that if she’s overweight, a shorter man would make her appear even larger. However, was is strikingly apparent in the United States is a preponderance of women looking for men who prefer a man significantly taller than her, with little to no exception. This sets up for disappointments not just for the men who get passed up out of no fault of their own, but of the women themselves who make a very tall man a sought characteristic. The big winners are the taller men who are raised to the status of idols. Basing on height, there may be something on the order of 70% of women aiming for about 30% of men and this imbalance makes for a struggle among women for what is available in their narrow sights. Holding onto a man with this desired characteristic can be difficult since if a woman wants a man badly enough, she is capable of lowly tactics and men are often welcoming a woman who throws herself at him. This is clearly a case of women not identifying salient characteristics of men and instead hold onto an inane notion of suitability of a man that produces a sociological problem. A physical trait such as height cannot be changed by an ordinary means and so an additional lesson here would be to take weigh more heavily on those things that a person is able to change and less on those things that a person cannot change.
Picking out a mate was not such a big problem in the distant past but in modern times with wealth and extra time allowing for diverse interests, people being negatively affected by schools, media including romance novels, friends, and family, selecting a mate is not so easy. Money can play a very ugly role in dealings with men and women and accordingly, much attention was given to this aspect. There is no need to go into details about other items on the list above that should be quite obvious to understand. And now that much of the baseless criteria that women so often, especially when young, look for in men, it’s time to launch into what makes good sense for women to look for in men.
Traits of men that should be looked at:
1)Physical appearance, and not specifically focusing so much on height but in how he maintains his body that he was born with.
2)Doesn’t show off in speech or in material possessions.
3)Honesty even if the honesty is hard to take from being use to liars. Honesty can also be difficult for another person to endure since it puts pressure on the other person in rising to the same level and some women might not be mature enough to rise to a higher standard even if the woman is the one complaining that she wants honesty.
4)Kindness, and not to be confused with money being used that often suggests to a woman that he’s nice.
5)Financial responsibility in that he uses money wisely and not wastefully, and it doesn’t matter what his occupation is or whether he’s currently employed as long as he is showing good monetary decisions in whatever economic situation he’s in.
6)Doesn’t have vices such as drinking, smoking, or illicit drug use but if he dabbles in any of these he is not dependent on them to do all the time and does so with a good purpose. Also that he’s not into gambling except possibly small betting for entertainment, not for having the dream of getting rich with little effort.
7)Respectful as it relates to accommodating the woman into his schedule, being punctual, maintaining communication.
8)Having useful traits such as being helpful in cooking, cleaning, fixing things, and willing to assist with grooming (such as helping a woman pluck aberrant hairs from her body).
B. Target: Respectful and Sensible Dating
Picking out a mate should be so easy but as the choices become greater and with ever complicated and worldly lives compounded with the bombardment of media influences luring people into desiring worldliness. With game playing also a factor, loneliness is the common fate, especially for those whom try to live noble lives. It is not uncommon today for those seeking a mate that they never found a good match into their forties and beyond. Assisting in the sought venture by most every person would be facilitators, whether it is friends, coworkers, or family, including parents. Some would object to parental introduction but it doesn’t imply an arranged marriage and so a person with an open mind should greet facilitators with thankfulness.
With the complications of society today there are specialized professions with additional education and a higher cost of living. Because of these things, not to mention legality issues, the natural and instinctive mating that would otherwise occur during or shortly after puberty has to be put on hold. Diving into books and keeping busy with physical activities during this period would be highly recommended, and as long as one is around others with similar interests, the compulsion of acting out in sexual ways would be able to be postponed with little to no pain. If one is around a worse crowd of peers, then temporary loneliness would be the best choice to be able to pursue those things which are required of people today for a favorable life. Cultural differences will vary but from my insight into this matter and seeing the failings of younger persons when it comes to love matters, I do wish that women wouldn’t date until age 21 and men not until age 25. This would sound so incredibly strict and unreasonable for many but if speaking to a numerous adults to find out when they really matured to deal with love most appropriately, one may find that this proposal is not so bad. If these ages seem too high, they could still be made as a hopeful standard, and maybe for a decade or so, ages of 18 and 21 are chosen until greater awareness happens. In any event, the longer things of love are postponed to fulfill obligations to be able to survive well, the better.
Love is something that preoccupies the minds of people throughout their adult lives. The preoccupation comes so much from being single and wanting someone yet cannot find a person suitable to their requirements. Other times, people are not in relationships that work well for them and for which had they used more thought ahead of time they may have not gotten into their predicament. And then there is jealousy or envy that goes along with love that no matter what situation a person is in, they desire another person, one of which is already in a relationship or possibly that other person is unattainable like a movie star, or in more general terms, that other person or persons is related to a fascination with pornography. For these and other reasons, probably every person could use some training on mate selection. As stated earlier, there are complications today that were not present even a hundred years ago and so dating is not so simple. I strongly suggest using school for this course of study that should begin in the earliest years. A sample course guide with the title “relations” is presented on my main web page here: Relations, but will throw in a few words below on the role of school with respect to relationships.
I do wish there would be classes in school to teach young kids the importance of punctuality, honesty, self-sufficiency and all the important characteristics that should be honored and used for choosing a mate, other than “he has money”, “he can score the drugs”, “he has tattoos”, or “he has a motorcycle”. I await the day when an 18-yr old girl brags to her girlfriends that the boy she’s dating is helpful, respectful, thinks beyond himself, is good with money, doesn’t show-off, does not party, etc. Part of the selection process is how women choose men and presently it’s heavily flawed but men do play a role as well in convincing women, many times done with deceit. I think it should be easy for women to weed out those men lacking sincerity but perhaps something innate in women blocks the ability to determine which men are sincere. Perhaps showiness and aggressiveness displayed by men means more to many women and this overshadows respectfulness and sincerity, but nevertheless, it’s so common for a woman to accept a lying man compared to one who’s honest. Again, maybe more is at play here such as honesty is boring in that a woman can’t be caught up in a dream of being catered to that a lying man could help achieve. With future school lessons, hopefully women will be able to believe sincerity and not think it’s lies and believe the lies are the truth. I’d hope psychological researchers could delve into these areas to then make for lessons in school for mate selection. It would take a big effort to make a positive change in society in regards to relationships. Both school and parents should engage in this matter and help create the conditions for forming harmonious relationships.
Try to date only one person at a time. In this way, there will be less fall-out of innocent victims of love and furthermore, it allows a person to be assessed independently and not in constant comparison with another. If the gamut of pertinent criteria of a mate are met satisfactorily, with the major factors met positively, then this is all it requires for moving on to the next step and that is to investigate compatibility on secondary levels. For men who are waiting for an answer from a particular woman, allowing a reasonable amount of time to her before moving on is fair. If the time allotted persists beyond what he can handle then definitely try for another but if the first woman comes around, a quick decision has to be made and unless there is a negligible advance with the second choice woman, the second choice woman should be given his full attention and tell his first choice it is too late. When women are young and attractive, the attention from men can be so remarkable that they may get caught up in toying with many men. Young women need to understand they are not the only ones in the world with feelings in that their selfish desires will mean some men will be hurt and so she must try to focus on one man at a time.
VIRGINITY – there must have been a purpose for the design of woman to have a most unmistakable indication of her not being touched before. Women do compare themselves all the time, but this is not what men do, in fact, many men wish they were the only man alive to never have any competition with another man. With a woman being a virgin, the man would have certainty that the woman would not be able to compare him with another man (in some regard at least). Unfortunately, throughout the world, women are not holding their virginity with high regard as in the past. Men as well are trampling over women, taking away their virginity and then running off. Regardless of the fault of the woman, I find it highly repulsive that any man would have sex with a virgin woman with no intention of staying with her. In my opinion, a man should treat a virgin woman with very high respect and not even think of touching her unless his motives were honorable. We need to return to the ways of prior and make virginity an important factor in relationships. There need not be shunning of women who are not virgins, but still allot them respect, but at a lesser yet not contemptuous level. We have to recognize that some women made ‘mistakes’ or that from physical activities her virginity was stripped away so men must take these things into account. Of course though, the fewer ‘mistakes’ the better. There is a lot of sexual permissiveness nowadays but if a great majority of people had only one partner and really appreciated it, we’d have a much better behaved society not to mention less pervasive sexually transmitted diseases. In following the guidelines presented here, the waiting time for having sex for the first time with a potential long-term mate would be lengthened but the time should be considered so small if there is really seriousness involved. With a woman retaining her state of virginity, the man would also (or should also) not push the woman for sex since he would not be able compare himself with another man in what was done with her. However, if the woman already lost her virginity, the man could get upset if the woman plays does not allow sexual advances with him if he knows one or other men didn’t have to wait. Thus purity really can play a positive role in forming a relationship, provided men do their role as well and show respect.
Women can work together and try to make it good for other women. When some women allow themselves to be ‘loose’, it puts pressure on other women to offer the same to men. Women must stand strong and not give in to values they do not honor. Even if a man gets angry from not having things his way, if he sticks around he’ll actually have more respect for the woman but if he bails, then it will be known what his true intentions are. Same with men, if some try to use money to win women over then those who don’t have the ability or who find the practice counter to what love is about, then those may be left out of the dating scene. Selfishness of just one individual can have ramifications going much beyond that one person.
For men, the initial choice is often the woman’s appearance. A man should still be open to a woman’s shortcomings that have to do with heredity. Women often complain that they are looked at as sex objects but if fruitful copulation is to occur, a man must have this view, though appreciation of her other traits would also be worthy. The single biggest objection men have of women besides if the woman is ‘bitchy’ is if she’s overweight. For some men, the excessive weight is greeted but for the most part, men really want women to look somewhat sexy and controlling her weight is one thing that is feasibly possible but so often chosen to do little or nothing about and instead maintain the mantra that a man must look past her [unsightly] body. Some women are born wider than others and they still can look terrific but it should be understood that this generality of obesity of women is a fixable thing and that women can choose to help make their dating life better by maintaining her body. There is nothing a man could do that is so simple to transform his body to look more appealing, for to gain muscle, it takes much effort, sometimes extra money for nutrients or gym, and devoted time. To maintain weight, all is required is some self-control over food and modest occasional exercise. So why women are seen to fight about their right to be overweight and expect men to love them for it is something I cannot explain except that it’s of a pushy attitude. Men are prone to being overweight just as women are but the physical appearance of a man versus a woman plays an insignificant role in the ability to have successful coitus as the man must have physiological factors in place to be ready yet a woman just has to be psychologically ready. Nevertheless, women should not be so easily acceptant of an overweight man, not just because of fairness, but independently so since men should also be fit for attraction purposes as well as for his own health that could have an impact on his future family’s well-being.
After a man makes his intentions known it is then up to the woman to make her decision. A guide was presented above to provide for a list of salient traits of a worthy man but along with this and hopeful early education as alluded to earlier, women would be more adequately equipped to make a good decision. Of course not everyone is the same, some women are too choosy and others too acceptant of bad habits such as drinking, smoking, and gambling. It is good to be open-minded but not so open as to purposely sacrifice one’s own well being. A worthy sacrifice would be the acceptance of a partner who is handicapped. It’s wonderful that there are a fair number of both men and women who have soft hearts to a person’s disposition. Still, no matter what the sacrifice may be, it should be thoroughly contemplated sooner rather than later to prevent getting caught up in a situation that becomes difficult to get out of.
If upon mutual agreement on initial suitability is determined, the dating process should proceed in concerted learning about each other. Distractions present in some venues make it difficult to communicate such as in movie theaters, noisy restaurants, and amusement parks, but still, these should not be wholly eliminated but rather help make aware of the shortfall. Money should not be the focus of dating and despite what the entertainment industry would like for me to suggest is that keeping it simple would work for both the advantage of the two persons and for society. Going to a park (something materialistic women abhor), going for a walk, relaxing, viewing natural surroundings and animals can provide many topics for which to stimulate conversation. Surveying the lighter conversations as well as the intensive ones can assist in assessing fuller compatibility. This dating period could take weeks to months, depending on time of togetherness and how efficient the couple is in assessing ancillary traits. I speak of men having their first dominating characteristic of a woman as her appearance but as a man matures he will see there are traits that are vastly more important such as how helpful she can be in the relationship, her ability to think/problem-solve to accomplish difficult tasks, energy level, outlook on life, loyalty, extent of worldliness, respectfulness, how she manages money, and more. Women need to do the exact same thing and assess the man’s other traits and not just be mesmerized by whatever first one or few characteristics that won her over. Life is difficult and so mates need to be good working couples in combating things of the world that are oppressive and to gain fairly in life for a good survival.
The dating process with one person should not take years as is often seen nowadays. If there is a prolonged period and nothing materializes with the relationship, then that should be a big sign to both, not just to the one wanting more badly for the relationship to progress. Now, it is usually thought that marriage is the one dividing line between playing around and being serious, and I would say that for most people, it is true. However, marriage does not have to be so narrowly viewed as it is contemporarily. This will be spoken of in more detail shortly.
In the opposition of prolonged dating with one individual is the rushing to marry. Many who have done this later regret their foolhardy decision but for some others it worked. For those that it worked, they may have been of a temperament that if it wasn’t rushed, they may drag it out like others do and feel malaise and never get to the point of desiring marriage. This is a point that the psychological make up of the individuals involved can help to determine the speed at which a relationship can progress to the eventual state of marriage. For those who are extremely careful in avoiding problems in life, it may be that to do the opposite, of course to a reasonable degree, would be prudent, otherwise they may be seeking for perfection in a partner and that may never be realized. For those who are big risk takers, these persons should probably also oppose their usual ways of hastiness to prevent what could be a very disastrous situation for not just themselves but others including possible future children.
Now, about this thing called “marriage”. When I say marriage, it is the mutual agreement to stay together as long as each of them are alive and not necessarily requiring any government or church license. No one and no entity can declare validation of a marriage better than the couple themselves and for these reasons, the widely accepted routine of marrying that requires a person deemed by law qualified to marry a person along with the purchase of a marriage license could be bypassed. It is not expected that many people are able to go this route at this time because it is a new concept for society and freshness isn’t usually greeted so well. Marriage should not receive special government kickbacks as it does now or unfairly good treatment as it relates to insurance rates and therefore, been married need not be made public. There can be an interim period in which couples declare themselves as married and this could be in a venue that is separate from church and state, such as declaration in some media form, the most efficient of which would be the internet. Marriage rings, bride gowns, extravagant ceremonies are all superfluous but humans without a deep understanding will still go this route. Marriage is a covenant, not a parade. Since according to this thought of what marriage is with no special third-party involved, a couple could between themselves declare a marriage when they decide. To so many who must retain certain views of church and to others, especially women who may feel cheated without some form of contract, my recommendation is simple: Do not take relationships lightly and if ever about to enter into a marriage-like relationship, there must be unequivocal trust and a high degree of reasonableness displayed to not later need lawyers in the case of a severance.
Addendum of notes to later be incorporated in the above prose and/or left below as bullet points:
1) Women have the goodies that men want. So if a woman is halfway desirable she will have plenty of men after her. She knows which men want her badly and would do all they could for her, but being she will use her body as a commodity, accepting the few good men is not good enough for her. And so, those men who give her good lies, false promises, those men who are worldly in some ways so that she thinks they are better, she will fail. Is it no wonder there are so many women who lost their virginity to a man who is no longer with her, and perhaps even got pregnant from a man and he ran off? Very good men would want to stick with a woman he devirginized, for it is a special act, and one that only he was able to have with her. Oh, but that's not good enough for desirable women, for they go for the highest bidder in some way, even if it's a guy who can provide her drugs...it all depends on the woman in what her desires are, and some man will be there to use her based on her worldly desires.
As per a news story, Study Investigates What Women Really Want, A user by the name of Bryan said in quite a terse fashion, "Lisa forgot the part about how way too many women subconsciously want the outgoing jerks who treat them like crap, and the part about the only reason they stay with the jerks is they think they can one day turn them into the nice guys they never want in the first place". So, there is a collective view regarding what I am saying what goes on. Women need to wake up to their actions to avoid the bad guys and then to select the very few percentage of good men. This is what will turn the bad men into good, for they want to get some action ad if women refuse to accept them until which time they change for the better, then they will. Accepting the bad men and hoping to change them is against sound thinking.
I will post notes below. I have many notes from documents as going through life more things hit me that I think would be very pertinent to include above, when I get the time to do it. It's just that I am dealing with the greatest ever stock market manipulation, taking away $130K of my money. ::::
"bad men do pick u or other girls because he is not deserving..they know it..they live to use other people, not to be good person.....this is what makes life bad. we know men are that way, a lot of them, so it's up to the girls in world to not give in to them. if girl too young to understand this then they should have parents to help direct them to avoid boys until they are mature to realize it...then more happy families with man who made baby stay with her and not cycle through many men after and children watching their mom do that way - it makes for children to think relations between man and woman is all for playing around. u see this yet? please i hope u do." in some cultures, there are sayings made to displace the unsavory nature of all of this, such as "proud to be a mom" "it's not a sin to be a single mom", "it's a gift from God", etc.
What girls are missing out much on is how good men are rejected to be left single, alone while the worst men get to have all the fun and getting the most precious tender girls, not allowing them to mature first to then make better decisions- they are sharks and actions are selfish. THERE IS A GREATER CHANCE this would occur in already being a daughter of a single mom as their is not the family unit intact and in some areas in every country, there is a preponderance of this sort of thing where young persons have much time alone to get into trouble. By chance my life was more or less sheltered to avoid much of this sort of thing but I do recall when age 19 and I was still pure, a girl a few years younger than myself was much attracted to me and I know what I could have done and didn't do it - I am fearful of laws, not wanting to do anything to a girl until I know she is of maturity to handle, and moreover one must consider the likelihood would lead to relationship or marriage....if girl is under-age the thought of anything beyond the legal aspect is immaterial - the law must be respected in this.
"virgin girl + me (she doesn't want because she knows i would treat her with respect)
virgin girl + bad man (girl loves as makes bigger challenge to her..can she make him love her to keep her? she tries and fails)
this is what life is about, in how young girls choose. it's not just with u but like 95% of all girls..."
A site with fewer words, more photos, some humor, captures the point: